The Way We Relate: Why Esther Perel’s Expansion Makes So Much Sense

Esther Perel built her reputation helping couples navigate the complexities of romantic relationships. Her work has been foundational for many of us who do relational work, not just because of her insight into intimacy, but because of how clearly she reflects back the larger truth: relationships are mirrors. They show us where we hurt, where we hide, and where we heal. So when someone like Esther starts to broaden her focus toward the workplace and public relationships - how we lead, follow, collaborate, and communicate - I get excited. This expansion is something I am passionate about for myself on a personal level and something I use as a tool regularly with my clients.  

I believe the way we show up in one relationship is not isolated. Our relational patterns, our defense mechanisms, our bids for connection, our avoidances, our code-switching, our fear, our hunger for recognition, these things don’t suddenly disappear when we walk into a meeting room or onto a Zoom call. They don’t go silent in a friendship or a parent-teacher conference. They're always hanging around. If we want to live with more ease, if we want to be more integrated, we have to look at how we relate across the board. This isn’t about being “professional” versus being “personal.” It’s about being intentionally relational.

When I work with clients, whether they come in because their marriage is struggling, they feel stuck in their leadership role, or they keep hitting the same wall in friendships, we almost always end up circling back to the same questions:

What do you believe about yourself in relationships?

Where did you learn that?

Is it still serving you?

Who are you when you feel safe/ connected?

How can we help you show up that way more often?

These are foundational questions that don’t need to be reserved for the therapy room. They belong in team debriefs, in conflict resolution, in leadership development, and in how we teach our kids to navigate the world. They're the backbone of what Esther is now talking about on the public stage and I couldn’t agree more with her timing.

We’re in a cultural moment where we are craving connection, but most of us were never taught how to be relational without abandoning ourselves, how to hold tension without either appeasing or exploding, how to listen without fixing or freezing. These are skills we develop in couples work, but they don’t belong to romance alone. Relational work is universal, it's for everyone. Whether it’s your partner, your boss, your child, or your colleague across the hall, we all deserve to experience connection with others without sacrificing connection within ourselves. Seeing Esther Perel expand the conversation beyond couples and into the broader relational field, I feel encouraged. We’re not compartmentalized beings, we are whole people. The more we practice relational integrity the healthier (physically and emotionally) we become, and that doesn’t stay contained. It spreads.