The 5 Stages of Connection: With Others, With Yourself

So much of what I work on with clients comes down to this: they don’t feel connected. Sometimes it’s to their spouse or partner, sometimes it’s to their career or colleagues, sometimes it’s to their own body or identity. The theme is the same—dissatisfaction, disconnection, a sense that something isn’t working.

The good news? Disconnection isn’t a sign that something is broken beyond repair. It’s often a sign that you’ve entered a new stage of relationship. And “relationship” doesn’t just mean romance—it means any meaningful connection: with a person, with work, or even with yourself.

Psychologists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt described five stages of relational growth. I’ve adapted their framework to apply not only to how we relate to others, but also how we relate to ourselves. When you start seeing both the internal and the external dynamics, you gain perspective—and a lot more choice about how you move forward.

Stage 1: Symbiosis

This is the honeymoon phase. In a new relationship, everything feels easy. You see the best in each other, and differences don’t matter much. The same thing happens internally: when you land a new job, start a fitness routine, or adopt a new identity, it can feel like you’ve finally found “the thing.” It’s energizing, almost intoxicating.

• Example with others: You start a new role at work and bond instantly with your team. The culture feels perfect, and you can’t imagine ever being dissatisfied there.

• Example with self: You discover a new workout, diet, or self-care routine and think, “This is it! I’ll never struggle again.”

Symbiosis builds trust and momentum. But it’s also fueled by idealization—it doesn’t last forever.

To move forward: Remind yourself that this stage is a beginning, not the whole story. Stay curious about differences instead of dismissing them. Keep grounding practices (journaling, movement, reflection) so you don’t get swept away in fantasy.

Stage 2: Differentiation

Eventually, differences come into focus. In relationships, that might look like noticing your partner’s quirks or your colleague’s blind spots. Internally, it might be realizing that your new job isn’t perfect, or that your new routine isn’t sustainable.

• Example with others: The colleague you thought was brilliant now rubs you the wrong way in meetings.

• Example with self: You’ve been on a new diet for two weeks, and suddenly you miss bread like it’s oxygen.

Differentiation is uncomfortable and essential. It’s the stage where you learn to hold on to your individuality without rejecting the relationship entirely.

To move forward: Instead of panicking or withdrawing, practice naming differences without judgment. With others, try: “I notice we see this differently.” With yourself, try: “It makes sense that I feel this way.” This shifts tension into curiosity.

Stage 3: Exploration

Here, the pendulum swings toward independence. You crave space. In personal relationships, one partner might dive into hobbies or friendships while the other longs for closeness. Internally, you might feel restless, questioning if your career path is right or if your body will ever feel like “yours.”

• Example with others: You’ve been married for a few years, and suddenly you’d rather spend Saturday on your own project than doing everything together.

• Example with self: You’ve built your whole identity around your career, but now you wonder if you even want to stay in this field.

Exploration can feel like disconnection. Work to remind yourself it’s about reclaiming yourself.

To move forward: Give yourself (and others) permission to experiment. Instead of framing distance as rejection, see it as a way to grow the “I” that will ultimately strengthen the “We.” With yourself, resist the urge to make dramatic conclusions—exploration is data gathering, not a final verdict.

Stage 4: Reconnection

After differentiation and exploration, you start to find a balance. You can see differences clearly without panic or resentment. You show up as yourself, and you let others do the same. Internally, this looks like accepting where you’re at, even if it isn’t perfect, and making peace with the fact that growth is ongoing.

• Example with others: You and your partner stop arguing about how much time you spend together and instead talk honestly about what each of you needs.

• Example with self: You accept that your body has changed since your twenties—and instead of chasing “back then,” you focus on taking care of the body you have now.

Reconnection doesn’t mean everything is smooth. It means you can navigate differences without losing connection.

To move forward: Practice curiosity. Ask yourself or the other person, “What do you need right now?” and be willing to hear the answer without defensiveness. Anchor back into shared values or long-term goals to remind yourself why the relationship, internal or external, matters.

Stage 5: Synergy

This is where it gets powerful. In this stage, both individuality and connection are strong. You don’t just manage differences—you leverage them. The relationship (with a partner, colleague, or yourself) becomes more than the sum of its parts.

• Example with others: You and your business partner see things differently, but instead of clashing, you use that to create better solutions than either of you could alone.

• Example with self: You align your work, values, and self-care so that your career, body, and identity feel like they’re on the same team.

Synergy is where connection feels generative. It doesn’t just sustain you, it expands what’s possible.

To keep growing: Use the strength of the relationship to give back. Ask: How can we use this energy to support others? How can I extend the stability I’ve created inside myself outward? This keeps synergy from becoming stagnant and makes the connection resilient through future challenges.

Why This Matters

Most of us are wired to pay attention to one side or the other. Some people focus almost entirely on external relationships (“If my marriage or my career improves, I’ll feel better”). Others turn inward (“If I just fix myself, everything else will fall into place”). The truth is both matter. How you relate to yourself shows up in how you relate to others—and vice versa.

The stages of connection are not one-and-done. You’ll cycle through them many times, in different relationships, even within the same one. The goal isn’t to avoid conflict or bypass discomfort. The goal is to recognize where you are, learn what the stage is asking of you, and keep moving toward deeper, more sustainable connection.

Because connection, whether with another person or with yourself, isn’t static. It’s a living process. And every stage has something to teach you.

Bonus: Quick Guide to Moving Through the Stages of Connection

Wherever you are in a relationship—whether with a partner, a colleague, your career, or yourself—use these prompts to stay grounded and keep moving from conflict toward connection:

• Symbiosis: Notice what grounds you. Write down three practices (journaling, movement, conversations with a trusted friend) that remind you of who you are outside the “honeymoon.”

• Differentiation: Name differences without blame. With others: “I notice we see this differently.” With yourself: “It makes sense that I feel conflicted right now.”

• Exploration: Give yourself permission to experiment. Try new activities, roles, or routines without assuming they’re permanent. Exploration is data gathering, not a final verdict.

• Reconnection: Anchor into shared values. With others: “What do we both care about here?” With yourself: “What do I want my choices to align with right now?”

• Synergy: Extend connection outward. Ask: “How can we use this strength to support others?” or “How can I carry this grounded energy into my work, family, or community?”

  
  

Conflict is not the opposite of connection, it can even be the doorway to it. The key is noticing what helps you feel grounded, both in yourself and with others, so you can keep moving forward.