Back-to-School Reflections: From Conflict to Connection

Today is the first day of school for my three boys, 3rd, 4th, and 8th grade.

I wish I could say they love school. I wish I could say I am confident their schools are serving them. I wish I could say I feel connected to the community within their schools. But I can’t.

Some of that is external—larger social, cultural, and political realities. But a lot of it is internal. The truth is, there is more I could do to feel connected to their schools and the community around them, but my own internal conflict often gets in the way.

This morning brought up a flood of emotions for me: frustration, sadness, protectiveness, hope, pride, love. Underneath those emotions were even more complicated thoughts. Am I doing enough? Should I be advocating more? Should I be pulling back? Should I be doing something entirely different? That kind of spiraling is familiar to me. It is the pull of overthinking.

Overthinking has been one of my oldest coping mechanisms. It gives me the illusion of control, but it rarely serves me. Most of the time, it winds me up and leaves me feeling depleted. Wise thinking, on the other hand, is different. In DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), there is a concept called “wise mind,” which is the integration of rational thought and emotional awareness—the place where logic and intuition meet. Wise thinking doesn’t deny complexity, but it doesn’t get tangled in it either.

When I am caught in overthinking, I am in conflict with myself. I am disconnected from what I know, from what is in front of me, from the people I love. When I am able to move into wise thinking, I feel connected again. To myself, to my values, and to my people.

My Action Plan

First, I plan to pause. My overthinking can trick me into believing this is an emergency, but it isn’t. My children are well socialized, they meet or exceed academic standards, and they are learning important life lessons in their schools. That reality deserves space before I rush into fear.

Second, I will validate that last year really was hard, but I will also acknowledge that this morning went smoothly. My kids weren’t enthusiastic about starting school, but they weren’t resistant or defeated either. They were open to the possibility that this year could be different. My husband and I have been working to stay open to that possibility too, and we spent the last two weeks helping set the stage for that mindset. Still, this morning I let my overthinking run away with me. I anticipated all the ways this year might go wrong instead of letting myself appreciate how calm the morning actually was. That reaction does not align with the empowered space I work to live in most of the time. I want to hold myself more accountable here. Even if peace is fleeting, I deserve to let it land and to be energized by it.

Third, I will remind myself that doing a cost/benefit analysis is worthwhile, but it cannot be done reactively or in isolation. When I am triggered, my analysis is not thorough and my values are not guiding me. I want to be in a wise state of mind when I weigh options that affect my children. I want to be connected and seek support from internal places and external places when I make decisions. If this year does begin to mirror last year in its challenges (and by challenges I want to be clear, it was a straight up dumpster fire of a year), I want my part of the decision-making process to be grounded in intention, not fueled by reactivity.

Finally, I will firmly remind myself that my perfectionism does not serve my children. I cannot perfectly meet their needs. I cannot perfectly undo my perfectionism. I cannot muscle my way into perfect solutions. What I can do is appreciate my humanity and theirs as I make decisions about what I can and cannot do.

This morning reminded me that overthinking isolates me in conflict, while wise thinking connects me back to myself. Conflict narrows my perspective, while connection opens it. My boys don’t need me to be perfect. They need me to be connected, to them and to myself, and for me, that begins with moving from conflict to connection.